Friends are the cornerstone of a fulfilling and happy life. But some friendships can veer into toxicity, leaving emotional scars that make us want to withdraw altogether.
As a psychologist and expert in human connection, belonging and friendship, I help people recognize the signs of toxic relationships. But as my fellow friendship expert Danielle Bayard-Jackson argues, the most toxic friends often use crafty and underhanded forms of aggression.
Here are eight phrases that will help you spot even subtle signs of a toxic friendship:
1. 'You're too sensitive.'
When friends say "you're too sensitive," they imply that your feelings aren't valid and that there's something wrong with you for having them.
But expressing your emotions is a healthy part of any friendship, and being told you're too sensitive may indicate your friend lacks empathy.
2. 'I was just joking. Can't you take a joke?'
Good friends are responsive and try to meet your needs. When you tell a friend you're hurt, responsiveness looks like them trying to understand why and adjusting their behavior.
In a toxic friendship, they may instead say things like "Can't you take a joke?" as a defense to camouflage hurtful comments and avoid accountability.
3. 'You're lucky to have me as a friend.'
Healthy friendships are built on equality. You're both invested and neither of you is viewed as better than the other.
If you constantly hear your friend asserting their superiority or suggesting you should be grateful for their presence, it may be a sign of an imbalanced relationship in which you're not valued.
4. 'I miss the old you.'
Friends should allow you to be who you are, whether or not it fits their personal values, and encourage you to change and grow.
If your friend expresses discomfort with positive changes or, worse, undermines your progress, it could be a sign that you've outgrown the friendship or that your friend doesn't have your best interests in mind.
5. 'You owe me.'
While reciprocity is important, if a friend expects you to repay everything they offer, it may mean they see the relationship as transactional.
As you get close to someone, you begin to include them in your sense of self, so what hurts them hurts you and what makes them happy makes you happy. That's why good friends feel comfortable being generous.
6. 'I wonder why they gave you that promotion.'
Having a friend who downplays your accomplishments or tries to one-up your success (e.g., "Well I just got a big raise") undercuts your confidence and joy.
In healthy friendships, friends engage in something called "capitalization," amplifying your joy by cheerfully exclaiming congratulations or taking you out to celebrate.
7. 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'
True reconciliation requires each party to recognize the harm they caused. When a friend apologizes because you feel a certain way, they imply that the problem is your feelings rather than their behavior.
If expressing your concerns or setting boundaries is met with dismissive comments like this one, your friend isn't taking accountability for their impact on you.
8. '...' (as in nothing, they just ghost you)
Losing a friendship often triggers something called "disenfranchised grief," an experience that occurs because society trivializes friendship and doesn't legitimize the gravity of the loss. That grief is compounded when you don't even know why a friend is pulling away.
Getting ghosted, one study found, makes you feel hurt and sad and lowers your self-esteem. Even if they want to end a friendship, friends should show regard for you by telling you explicitly.
Diagnosing and dealing with a toxic friendship
Of course, no single phrase alone can diagnose a friendship as toxic. So be sure to consider these phrases within the larger dynamics by asking yourself questions like:
- Do they show up when I'm in need?
- Do they want the best for me?
- Is there a balance where each of our needs are met?
If you find these phrases reflect a larger toxic dynamic, it may be a sign to pull back, set boundaries, or have an honest conversation and move on.
Marisa G. Franco is a psychologist, professor at The University of Maryland, and the New York Times bestselling author of "Platonic: How The Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends." Her work has been featured in Psychology Today, The New York Times, The Telegraph and Vice.
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